I originally wrote this piece back in 2004. Adding some media for flavour this time around.
I am now decided. Superheroing is the new career path for me. This has been only partially influenced by the redundancy from the accounting firm. I have been considering this path for some time and the fact that I am currently between careers only opens the door of opportunity. I have begun making a list of things to consider in this undertaking.
I have come to realise that my name, powers, and costume are interrelated. If I have radioactive powers, then I will tend to have a name like Nuclear Man and have an atomic symbol on my costume. I have therefore started to consider the options available to me regarding my powers. As enticing as super strength and being able to fly are, it appears that I do not have any alien heritage of any significance, and experimenting with radioactive materials or chemicals is not covered by my health insurance. I therefore will become a vigilante style hero with no powers other than the skills I have honed over the years. Okay, so most of the skills I have been honing over the years are related to balance sheets and calculus. I can compensate for the lack of physical skills through gizmos once I get to the Equipment phase of my plan.
Being a dark vigilante of the night, I want a name that will strike terror into my foes. The real problem here is that most villains are fairly jaded, and most of the more popular fear inspiring symbols (spiders, bats, etc) are already taken. I am thinking of other options here.
After a hair raising close encounter with my neighbour’s Rottweiler, I have decided to become Dog Man! No wait! Canine Man! Ooh, even better. I will begin shopping for my costume tomorrow.
It is disappointing to find that K-Mart has a very poor selection of spandex. Most of it is in the physical fitness section and is disappointingly bright and colourful. Not suited to a dark vigilante of the night. Also, absolutely none of it was in any way lined with kevlar or other bulletproof or fire resistant materials. On the upside, I did manage to purchase a studded collar from the pet store that I think will be suited to Canine Man. The shop assistant did, however, try and direct me to the sex store down the road when I started trying it on in the store.
The costume is coming along nicely now. I have had to settle on a dark grey tracksuit as the costume base, but I should be able to upgrade this to some light armor once gratuities and merchandising monies start to roll in. I have some dark coloured hiking boots and have sewed some dog ears onto a ski mask. Added to this, I have taken some scissors to a black bed sheet and made a cape. I’m really quite fetching in the outfit. I must remember when I upgrade my armor to get the type that has muscles molded into it so that I look more buff than I really am. I’m kind of scrawny really. Still, if I stick to the shadows and use my cape to disguise that fact I should be okay.
Operation Canine Cave commenced today. After an hour and a half of digging in the back yard, I decided to change it to Operation Canine Basement. I painted over the windows with black paint to make it nice and dim. It is kind of dusty though. I am considering having a teenage sidekick to help with the housework.
The Canine Cave is ready! I moved my Apple Macintosh down there and wrote Canine Computer on the top in texta. The Canine Man costume is hanging in the corner. I do need to do something about the Caninemobile though. I don’t think a 1988 Cortina will quite cut it when it comes to a car chase. Placed an ad in a local comic book for teenage sidekick auditions.
Negotiated with my mysterious benefactor (Mum) to borrow her dark blue BMW on the weekends until I have earned enough to upgrade my own Caninemobile. If I get a scratch on it I’m dead though, so I will avoid car chases wherever possible. Beginning equipment hunt tomorrow.
Went to 5 garage sales and an open air market looking for possible Canine Man equipment. I purchased some rock climbing equipment which I am hoping I will be able to modify to assist me in leaping from rooftop to rooftop. I also got a boomerang which I want to stick some cool canine teeth on or something. A net, which will eventually go into a launching device of some kind. Also a bunch of marbles which should be useful for scattering beneath the feet of a fleeing villain, causing them to trip up. Some roller skates for foot-chase speed, though they are white and red. I shall need to colour them in with the black texta. Oh, and I got a dumb bell set so I can start my physical training in earnest. I have been doing 20 sit ups each night before bed. With these weights I will be a powerhouse in no time. Sidekick auditions tomorrow.
Canine Man will be a solo superhero. The male teenage sidekick applicants looked more like they were applying for the sidekick of Burger King Man. Obesity in this country is really getting to be a problem. The female applicants were in much better shape. In fact their shape was the problem. While comic books may tend to overemphasise certain female attributes, I found the level of development in some of the sidekick applicants to be disconcerting. Especially since I was wearing regrettably tight tracksuit pants. I have decided therefore that the continued presence of a young female sidekick would only distract me from my mission. I did pay one girl 15 bucks to sweep the dust up from the Canine Cave though.
I think I strained a muscle with the dumb bells last night. Its really
sore today. Worked on my Canine boomerang weapon today with little
success. It appears that sticking things onto a boomerang to make it
dog-like really effects its ability to return once thrown. Eventually I
settled for colouring it in black with a texta (need more black textas) but
even then, when thrown at a target, actually hitting the target also
effects the probability of return significantly.
The girl who swept up the Canine Cave, Cindy, came back today with a
treasure trove of items her mum was going to give to the Salvation Army
that I can use. I think she really does believe in the mission. She said
something crytpic about getting doggy with me, so I think she is trying to
convince me to reconsider the sidekick position. Fortunately I wasn’t
wearing the Canine Costume this time.
She brought me a bow and arrow set, though the string on the bow is broken,
a bunch of balloons which could be filled with knockout gas, adhesives, or
other such useful concoctions, and a pair of nunchucks her brother left
behind when he moved interstate.
With the relative failure of the Caninearang experiment, I was becoming
concerned with my lack of effective non-lethal weaponry. The nunchucks are
just what I am looking for. Caninechucks?
A rather unfortunate training incident involving the Caninechucks has
convinced me to invest in protective material. Beginning with a cup.
However I will think about purchasing those tomorrow as I am finding
walking somewhat difficult just at the moment.
Cindy went to the sports store and bought me a bunch of pads and
protectors, and even a cup. She got me a really large cup which I was
going to ask her to exchange for a smaller one, but she convinced me that
having the really large one would intimidate my foes. I am also thinking
that it may offset some of the issues I had with the female sidekick and tight tracksuit.
The elbow and knee pads have skateboarding logos all over them. Cindy is
going to colour those in with the black texta.
A further Caninechuck incident has resulted in the scrapping of the ski
mask and sticking the dog ears on a bicycle helmet for greater protection.
Cindy, who shall henceforth be known as Canine Girl, worked on turning the
balloons into an arsenal. We havent managed to get knock out or tear gas,
but Canine Girl had some foul smelling concoction from a gag shop. She has
also managed to come up with an adhesive bomb based on honey and other
foodstuffs. She suggested we test the adhesive bomb on her and then I
could help clean her off, but I didn’t want to waste any of it.
Canine Girl says she has a surprise for me tomorrow.
Canine Girl quit in tears today. I’m a little unsure as to why. I think
its one of those teenage hormone things. The surprise she had for me was
her Canine Girl costume. The costume consisted of a two piece black
swimsuit, large leather high heeled boots that reached halfway up her
thighs, a mask drawn on in costume makeup, and dog ears attached to a long
Obviously not a practical superhero outfit.
I pointed out that running and leaping across rooftops would be difficult
in the heels, and that the costume itself revealed her distinctive tattoo
and belly button piercing which would put her secret identity at risk.
She was rather upset and left soon after that.
Thank god for the oversized cup in the Canine Costume.
The swelling from the training incidents have gone down. Tomorrow is
Saturday so I have access to the Caninemobile. I will patrol the city for
Where is all the crime anyway? I walked around for 3 hours and didn’t find
a single felony in progress. It was hot too, and I got all sweaty. A few
children came up and talked to me but they seemed to think I was street
entertainment or something. Most adults just gave me strange looks.
Still, once I save the world a couple of times and build a reputation
things should improve. I have to reassure myself that I am simply
establishing a presence in the city. I will patrol again tomorrow.
Been a few days since the last entry. I came across three large men
mugging an elderly lady in an alley. I bellowed at the villains to let the
old lady alone. They of course turned on me not realising how hopelessly
outmatched they were. The Caninearang was flung, unfortunately missing and
breaking a window of a pawnbrokers. One of the muggers tried to run so I
threw an adhesive bomb at him. The bomb splattered all over him. While
the adhesives did not slow him down, he was so angry at being covered in
goo that he came back to exact his revenge. I suppose that the adhesive balloon bomb did stop him
from running away, so in that regard it was successful.
Now, faced with three large foes, I pulled out the Caninechucks. While I
managed not to further injure myself, the flailing chucks caught on my cape and then tore open the bag
of marbles. I subsequently tripped up on the marbles and fell heavily on
the Stink Gas bomb. The villains ran choking and gagging from the stench.
I would have too, but it appeared that I had put my back out in the fall.
Between time in hospital, and some thorough questioning in the police
station, this is the first opportunity I have had to write further in this
journal. I had to make reparation to the pawnbrokers whose window I
My sore back has prevented further training or patrolling. Also, rent is
due and my redundancy payout has almost disappeared. As a result, I am
forced to consider taking a more menial job during the day until my
superheroing career starts pulling in the cash. I will continue patrolling
as Canine Man at night, which I hear is when most crimes happen anyway.
Also, having a day job will assist in maintaining my secret identity. I
have applied for a couple of accountancy positions.
In the meantime, I can recommence my training to make me more effective in
the battle against crime. Also, I am somewhat well known since the local
newspaper ran an article on me.
Gods I’m sore. I wish Canine Girl was here.