This is essentially a dump of thoughts from several sites that repost posts from other social sites like Tumblr, Reddit, 4Chan, etc.
Mostly, it will convince you that many of the people who post in those places are either clever, or high.
Numbered in case you lose your place. Pics added where I could find something I felt appropriate. Original grammatical and punctuation lapses retained in most places for effect.
1. Lasagna is just spaghetti flavoured cake.
2. Do animals think in English or in the sounds they make?
3. Glue a tiny mirror over your drivers licence photo so when you hand it to the police they will get confused and arrest themselves.
4. What if you went to the beach and instead of sand there were French fries.
5. Isn’t anyone going to talk about the Pixar lamp straight up murdering the I and then turning to stare at you as if to say Just give me an excuse!
6. Fingers are weird. Its like our arms just split into other smaller arms.
7. Do you ever cook something in the microwave but its still cold in the middle and you just keep eating it instead of heating it longer because life is pointless and entropy is unavoidable and the universe is filled with callous and casual destruction.
8. Did you ever stop to think people are reading this sentence in different accents?
9. I don’t know why everyone makes the grim reaper out to be a bad guy I mean he’s just taking you to the afterlife its not like he killed you its actually quite nice of him to walk you there imagine if you had to go alone.
10. Isn’t your first birthday technically your second?
11. Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s day? HOT AF!
12. That moment of intimacy with the person who adjusts your seat belt on a roller coaster.
13. A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless its 3am. And youre home alone. And you don’t have a baby.
14. Do you think ants get really confused when they accidentally get on buses and end up really far away?
15. Our bodies can turn chocolate milk into pee. Think about that.
16. Blinking is like clapping for your eyes.
17. Without nipples boobs would just be buttcheeks that don’t poop
18. Do people in nudist colonies send nudes or do they just call them selfies?
19. It would have been really easy for Mrs Incredible to give birth.
20. You better Czechoslovakia before you Wreckyoslovkia
21. The moment I can walk outside and pick a chicken nugget off a tree is the moment where I will walk outside willingly.
22. If I worked at a sperm bank, every time some guy walked in I’d say get a load of this guy
23. If zombies ever attack just go to Costco. They have concrete walls. Years of supplies. And best of all the zombies cant get in without a Costo membership card.
24. Every year, unknowingly we pass the anniversary of our future death.
25. I like my women with curves. Lots of curves . in a short spiral shape. Maybe with ketchup. Curly fries. I like curly fries.
26. Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s day. You make me sweaty and uncomfortable.
27. Bathtubs are just reverse boats.
28. I was thinking to myself like maaan the brain is pretty amazing and then I realized it was my brain telling me to think that, what a cocky a**hole.
29. Imagine if your teeth giggled when you brushed them because they’re ticklish.
30. If cicadas can sleep for 17 years and then wake up only to scream and f**k then so can I
31. How come your lips don’t touch when you say touch but they do touch when you say separate?
32. November is like the Thursday of the year.
33. If you were a human raised by cows and you were breastfed by that cow would you use human breast milk on your cereal when you grew up?
34. Did ancient Romans call their best friends “romies” like homies?
35. Tips for flirting: carve your number into a potato and roll it towards eligible females you wish to court with
36. Making out with a girl for the first time is the coolest thing and the second coolest thing is driving home and getting aware of all the parts of your face where she was and tasting her lip balm on your lips. The third coolest thing is outer space.
37. Do caterpillars know that one day theyre gonna be a butterfly or do they just build their cocoons like bruh wtf am I doing this for?
38. What if humans have cheat codes like if you jump 14 times then punch + kick ok awesome now I can walk on water and do calculus
39. I like graveyards because theyre really quiet because like most dead people cant talk
40. When you bite down on something youre actually biting up because you cant move your top jaw
41. Life is like GTA: you have some goals but all you really wanna do is f**k s**t up
42. When did we even first discover the concept of glasses. Like was an Egyptian pharaoh walking around in his jewel room and put two crystals up to his eyes and was like YOOOOOOOO! NEITHHOTEP! COME LOOK AT THIS!
43. I heard a dog bark today and I barked back and it replied the exact same way and we went back and forth until my friend told me that it was just my voice echoing and I had been barking at myself for 5 minutes straight.
44. My brain has too many tabs open
45. Maybe the reason some of us stay up all night and sleep all day is because we were meant to live on the other side of the planet.
46. Fill your heart with bees. If someone breaks your heart then they have to deal with the bees.
47. Are oranges named oranges because oranges are orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
48. If a plant is sad do other plants photosympathize with it?
49. Do u ever get a sharp stabbing pain somewhere on ur body and wonder who the hell made a voodoo doll of u this time bc its getting old and im tired of dealing with it
50. Do dogs think in barks?
51. Have you ever noticed that vaginas & schools both have 6 letters and are empty holes of nothing that can hold screaming children for 9 months?
52. Is spelt spelled spelt or spelled?
53. You can literally answer “that’s what the government wants you to think” to anything
54. When I see really attractive people I just laugh because I know if we lived in the Aztec culture theyd be sacrificed to the gods for their beauty
55. No one’s an atheist 30 seconds before an orgasm
56. If someone filled a humidifier with holy water would it cleanse the room of all evil?
57. I don’t remember learning the words to Bohemian Rhapsody, I think I was just born knowing them.
58. What if clouds and lakes switched spots and every time you looked up you’d see waves being pulled by the moon and we’d wade through the clouds on a hot day. What if birds grew grass and the ground grew feathers. What if flowers were tall as trees and trees as small as flowers.
59. Its weird how people say follow your dreams instead of follow your ambitions because once I had a dream where I worked for a place that tried to genetically engineer ducks to speak English except the ducks only criticized people’s fashion sense.
60. Do you ever do that thing in class where you notice you’ve stopped paying attention so you try to focus but then youre focused so hard on trying to focus that youre still not paying attention to what theyre saying?
61. What if you injected brownie mix into your bloodstream like since your body temp is like 98 the brownies would cook over a few days and then you would have clumps in your arms and you just cut it open and eat the brownies I should be a scientist
62. Why aren’t dumb bro movies called d*ck flicks?
63. If I was trapped inside a room filled with explosives and the only way out was to eat a whole tomato I would die.
64. Restroom air dryers are a great way of warming your hands before wiping them on your jeans.
65. What if everything you see right now is just a hallucination caused by inhaling oxygen. Which is why when you stop breathing you black out.
66. I wish my wallet came with free refils
67. “humankind” more like “humanmean”
68. Its fun to chant Bloody Mary 3 into your car’s side mirror 3 times and watch her jog and try to keep up.
69. A pen will never know what a bagel tastes like.
70. Grapes are really weird once you take the skin off.
This also applies to humans.
71. I feel like all Joffrey needed was to get turned into a llama for a while
72. Caterpillars have an ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
73. Birds are lucky because they get to attend concerts for free.
74. What if the coins you find randomly at the bottom of drawers and in between couch cushions are actually from spiders trying to pay rent?
75. Kids that mix their play-doh colours are the reason global warming exists
76. Someone studying atoms is really just a bunch of atoms trying to understand themselves
77. Want to get out of doing your homework? Try chopping both your arms off. In class the next day when the teacher asks you why you didn’t do your homework simply say I don’t have any f**king arms!
78. Spiders eat their parents all the time and no one cares when they do it so what the f**k
79. Ur mom hands you a glass of orange juice. U take a sip. Its not orange juice. Its stirred egg yolks. U spit them out. U ask ur mom why. She turns around. Its not ur mom. Its me. Ur mom is gone. Im ur mom now.
80. My big question is why are we wasting all this money on health care and education when we could be using it to paint the moon to look like a giant floating boob.
81. If you google eyebrows are you eyebrowsing?
82. Why didn’t my parents name me something cool like Exodius or Blue Eyes White Dragon?
83. Imagine your current friend group but Dwayne the Rock Johnson is part of it.
84. My favourite flavour of cake is more
85. If your name is Nancy and you get pregnant you will be pregnancy
86. I love birthdays theyre so motivational like if I can manage to keep myself alive for another year ill get money and cake
87. I would not want to be named Bert because every time you made a decision someone would be like are you sherbert?
88. I say fight me a lot for a girl who is 5”3’ and has a hard time opening some doors because theyre too heavy
89. Imagine having braces during the apocalypse. No one can take your braces off. And you just have to accept that youll have braces forever.
90. Why are shorts called shorts but pants aren’t called longs.
91. Z is just a sideways N
92. How the f**k do people just stay motivated their entire lives? What drives you? I got out of bed once and I’ve been exhausted ever since.
93. What is a word made up of 4 letters yet is also made up of 3. Although is written with 8 letters and then with 4. Rarely consists of 6, and never is written with 5
94. But the real question is has Nemo found himself?
95. Do you ever form emotional attachments to tabs you have had open for a long time.
96. I love how men mock women for being over-emotional then lose their s**t over a team losing a glorified game of fetch
97. Books are just dead tattoed trees
98. If I were a caterpillar I would probably emerge from my cocoon as a slightly fatter caterpillar
99. Single and ready to reply with sarcastic remarks to any form of attention because that’s the only way I know to mingle.
100. More celebrities should donate blood like could you imaging having the blood of Meryl Streep running through your veins?
101. Adulthood is just an endless stream of phone calls you don’t want to make but have to.
102. How do people make like hundreds of friends I cant even make a grilled cheese without burning it.
103. Did anyone ever tell the Backstreet Boys why?
104. Girls all go to the bathroom together because that’s where we rap battle
105. The only thing standing between you and success is a small angry gnome which has dedicated its whole existence to ruining you you must not let it win
106. If pooh bear can wear a crop top then so can I
107. Dreams would be much more fun if there were mutli-player servers that other sleeping people could join.
108. They should replace hospital gowns with colourful Mexican ponchos because theyre kinda the same and no-one could be sad.
109. I’m not a drama queen. I’m a drama khaleesi.
110. You are now one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos
111. Itd be neat if someone invented waterproof breakfast food so I could eat in the shower
112. Lets take a moment and be thankful that spiders cant fly
113. What if flies said “Hey!” every time they flew past your ear
114. My body isn’t a temple my body is a castle with a moat and crocodiles and a dragon who will set you on fire if you touch me
115. When books make you cry like f**k you book, ur just a stack of paper
116. Snakes don’t have arms? They can’t go bowling!
117. Online shopping gives me a reason to live for another 3-5 business days
118. Do you ever forget to sleep or eat or drink water or something and ur like oh s**t yeah I need that to live
119. New Olympic sport: the contestants have to sit on their legs until they fall asleep and then run down a flight of stairs
120. Life is easy son, its just like riding a bicycle that’s on fire and youre on fire and everything is on fire and youre in hell.
121. You know whats weird? Hair. Like it cant be cold or warm hair. When you touch it its just hair temperature.
122. I wanna do a flash mob with tons of puppies but they’ll probably forget every single move and Ill try to get angry with them but theyre all just so damn adorable
123. If celery is 90% water is the ocean 10% celery?
124. Can DVD be the new slang for a threesome with two guys?
125. Omg if baby oil dissolves condoms WTF does it do to babies!?!?!
126. Beyonces speaking voice is deep and powerful too like I feel if she were to call me a motherf***er it would resonate down my entire ancestral line and make my first ever primitive ancestor collapse and erase my entire family tree
127. I love how no matter how badly you f**k up Benadryl Cumquat’s name, everyone still knows who you are talking about.
128. Do celebrity pets know they’re pets of celebrities?
129. Fingers are so important I cant even imagine my life without fingers I am getting very emotional right now
130. The first place Id hit up during The Purge is the pet store. U gonna see me on the street with 50 puppies on leashes.
131. But why would we ever remove the wisest of our teeth?
132. I hope the royal baby goes through an Emo phase.
133. An octopus is just a wet spider
134. Why are boobs so soft? What are they made of? Is it the dreams of a thousand small rabbits?
135. What if garbage was spelled like garbij
136. When girls press their whole body against you when they hug, it means they like you a lot. Also, theyre measuring your body to determine how long it will take them to eat you. A technique shared by boa constrictors.
137. How do you become someone that puts stickers on fruit because I think I could do that
138. What happens if you put a werewolf on the moon?
139. If opposites attract why aren’t I covered in hot people right now?
140. Why are cats so relaxed when the government is a mess?
141. What if life was a crazy trip and when you die you woke up as an alien holding a bong and your friends circled around you ask if you felt it
142. Don’t you hate it when money goes away when you spend it
143. I want to live by the ocean but also in the forest but also in the mountains but also in a big city but also in the countryside. You feel me
144. Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
145. Do birds ever get sad that they don’t have arms?
146. Why are mosquitos a thing? Do they even pay taxes?
147. I stress about the stress before theres even stress to stress about
148. I just almost missed my train because I was taking a personality quiz to determine what kind of fruit I am
149. Lettuce is just crunchy water
150. If the multiverse theory is true then there is a universe where it isn’t
151. The moon is definitely a giant bath bomb
152. Currently writing a book about a girl who is poor and wants to make money so she asks neighbours if she can mow their lawns for cash but she doesn’t have a lawn mower so she has to eat every blade of grass. Its based on true events that I made up
153. Spoons are just little bowls on sticks.
154. If multiple girls named Paige hang out together is it called a chapter?
155. What if birds aren’t singing. They’re screaming because theyre afraid of heights.
156. Little known historical fact: Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chests because it was a popular belief there would be countless water slides in the afterlife.
157. Does it trip anyone else out that “G”is just an arrow going in a circle?”
158. Im like an npc, I wont do anything unless you interact with me
159. How weird is it that I have two pieces of glass sitting in front of my eyeballs so I don’t mistake a child for a garbage can.
160. There should be an addon called Dadblock that replaces all ads with pictures of white suburban barbeque dads.
161. Robots who are really bad at math and when people are like Shouldn’t you be good at math since youre a computer? And the robot is just like shouldn’t you be an expert in biology since youre made out of cells?
162. Whenever Im sad I like to imagine what possible crime Steve Irwin’s ancestors committed to warrant him being sent to Australia like some Victorian gentleman escorting a lady to the zoo past the crocodile enclosure and going do you see that great wyrm sunning itself there? Quite a striking creature, is it not? I do believe I shall engage it in fisticuffs!
163. You know in some video games where you sleep to recover, but the game will only let you sleep if its safe, otherwise you get a message “You cannot sleep, there are monsters nearby.”
Now, remember the last time you just couldn’t get to sleep IRL?
164. Whenever im sad I just think about how the Welsh word for microwave is popty ping
165. Am I the only one that finds it weird that I can transfer data from my brain to someone else’s by opening my mouth and pushing air with vibrations in their direction?
166. Shout out to all the bugs that stay away from me. You rock, keep doing what youre doing.
167. You could hold someone’s doorbell hostage and there’s nothing they could do. You ring the doorbell and demand $4.15 and they have to give in to your demands or you’ll keep ringing it forever. You could stand there all day and the police wouldn’t be able to stop you because the police are dirty and want their cut of the doorbell ransom money.
168. I don’t know if elephants understand politics but I highly doubt they would be Republicans.
169. Since Klingon sex is basically violent wrestling, I wonder if the Klingons don’t have BDSM but like the opposite. Klingons gathering in secrecy in dark cellars to engage in sweet, gentle loving, to the scorn of their fellow Klingons.
170. Puts metaphor between teeth “It’s a cigarette”
171. Hospitals are so weird, like on one floor a woman is bringing a new human life into the world while the father of her child looks on and on the other floor a frat boy is getting a wii remote removed from his butthole.
172. Butter is just food lotion.
173. If u see a guy with long hair he’s either gorgeous or f**king weird and the answer lays in what type of shoes he is wearing.
174. Waffles are healthier than pancakes because they have abs
175. Since bat wings are just skin stretched between elongated finger bones, bats fly through the power of jazz hands.
176. How can I communicate to wild bunnies that I am their ally?
177. You want my phone number? Its useless. The best way to contact me is to fill a human skull with acorns and vigorously shake it into the night. I will hear you eventually.
178. What if sleeping is our natural state and were only awake to gather information for dreams.
179. What if the sound of the instruments you’re playing is them crying because you’re hurting them.
180. What if the four horsemen of the Apocalypse are actually white suburban soccer moms. Pestilence is the anti-vaxxer, famine the paleo-diet fanatic, war constantly screams at retail workers, and death drives a mini-van.
181. Why cant I just plug myself into a charger?
182. Yo how much dirt you gotta throw in the ocean to make a new country?
183. What if there was a dog library where you could borrow dogs
184. What if NASA invented thunderstorms to cover up the sound of space battles?
185. A little girl who grows up thinking all doors are automatic but really she is just haunted by a really polite ghost.
186. Your dogs needs meat and your kids need vaccines.
Also, your dogs needs vaccines and your kids need meat.
Also, your meat needs vaccines and your kids need dogs.
187. Why is yikes plural? Why so many yike?
188. What is a sex drive where is the sex going does it even have a licence.
189. I’m so mad that Donald Trump is real
190. I like calling people bud because its like hey youre my friend and also a small baby flower
191. Are captchas getting harder or am I slowly turning into a robot?
192. Isn’t it weird that we basically have an endless internal conversation with ourselves?
193. Are Medusa’s leg hairs tiny snakes?
194. Handwriting is cool because its like the written equivalent of the sound of someone’s voice.
195. At one point in my life I was exactly pi years old
196. You are the dancing queen, blood curdling scream, 47 bees
197. Your body is a poop gun and eating is just reloading
198. I like the word assassin because it has 2x as much ass as any other word.
199. How do snakes have sex? I mean, theyre f**king NOODLES!
200. What if people pronounced yikes like they do nike
201. “umop apisdn” is “upside down” spelled upside down with different letters
202. Don’t hurt BEES, the just want to pollinate flowers and make honey. Hurt WASPS. F**K them and their old money, big mansions and country clubs.
203. Viagra is like caps lock for penises
204. Your future self is watching you right now through memories
205. Reading is just staring at a dead piece of wood for hours hallucinating.
206. If you drink too much milk your bones will become super strong and want to enter the WWE championships and its not like you can stop them.
207. The new way to spell thirst is 3st
208. Holds my breasts for comfort – securititties
209. There are no rhymes in sign language
210. To catch a bus you have to think like a bus
211. If evolution is so perfect then why can I not hear the TV when I eat chips?
212. I have a theory that the real reason the Titanic sank is because too many time travellers went back to try and prevent it.
213. The parks and recreation theme song is what the inside of a golden retriever’s head sounds like
214. What if death is just level 2?
215. How many eye contact until date?
216. Take me down to New York City where the Yorks are new and the city is city
217. What if you were a police sketch artist but could only draw in anime style.
218. A laser tag arena would be an intense place for a cat
219. When two people kiss and approximately 14 meter long tunnel is created between both of their a**holes.
220. I love how stars are billions of miles apart and were like that’s a soup ladle!
221. Spooning is out. Spatulaing is in. Slide up behind your partner and then launch them out of bed.
222. If I went to jail Id introduce myself as Mitochondria to establish that Im the powerhouse of the cell.
223. Remember when you weren’t aware of oppressive power structures and all u wanted was a lava lamp?
224. I build my snowmen with only 1 arm because if it comes to life and tries to kill me itll be easier to stop but if we fall in love we can still hold hands
225. Why cant zombies just eat like bread or something.
226. Sneeze on your knuckles before a fight to inflict poison damage
227. What if Mike was short for Micycle
228. Honeymoon is an interesting term because if the actual moon were made of honey it would imply space bees which is terrifying.
229. I feel like I don’t say this enough but F**K!! F******KF**K F**K!!!! WHAT THE F**K!! WHAT IS GOING ON!!
230. I’m a bit surprised ive never met a person with a pet named peeve
231. What if people got a new name every birthday?
232. Why are there waiting lists for preschools? Babies are so small! 800 could fit in one room. Just stack them.
233. If youre on the sun are sun dried tomatoes just tomatoes?
234. Whispering in a dairy cow’s ear why ya titties out?
235. Bernie sanders calls for a more transparent government but wont tell me what his 11 secret herbs and spices are
236. Where is a snake’s butthole?
237. Why do potatoes have more chromasomes than us? What do they need them for?